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Author Topic: Misery of Memory  (Read 4433 times)
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« on: October 20, 2009, 02:53 AM »

This is quite a twist and has spoilers through, and including "Gentle, Gentle". Will be very short; meant only one chapter but will have two. Please go easy on me, this is just another of those crazy ideas that run through your head and keep you from sleeping or getting any work done. I know....I'm nuts

The panic that swept through Gil the moment he saw the infant, the sheer feeling of helplessness and despair, brought back more misery of memory than he thought capable. It had been years and still the sight of that still little form closed the gap on the past and the present in one single instant.

He stopped and felt his heart stop with him. What came next was an overwhelming sense of nostalgia mixed with sudden nausea. He was going to be sick. As the officers stepped forward he suddenly reacted; he had no recollection of doing so. He did not remember bending to pick the child up, could not remember uttering a single word to the people around him. But as he stood, staring down into the lifeless body of Zackary Anderson his mind thought of only one thing


And as he looked up and saw the mother, panic stricken with grief, he had one other thought


And for the first time in his career he questioned whether he was strong enough to deal with this

He jumped Greg; completely lost his temper with the young DNA tech. He could not remember a time in his career that he had ever let his emotions dictate his actions.

?I hear you?re back logged? He said as he walked into the DNA lab.

Greg?s response, when it came, enraged him. ?Twenty ?unknowns? from some drug shoot-out. FBI special request. Sheriff told me to clear it off my counter before I do anything else.?

Gil could feel his temper rising; he had already jumped Warrick?and Sara. ?These?? He asked impatiently, pointing to the samples on the desk

?Yeah. You can almost smell Quantico, you know?? Greg responded

In one full motion, Gil grabbed the paperwork from Greg?s desk, piling it onto the cart of DNA samples that the FBI had requested. With a shove, he sent the cart out of the room and crashing against the wall on the opposite side of the hallway. He barely acknowledged the looks of those around him as he put the blood samples from the suspects in the infant?s death on Greg?s desk.

?They?re off your counter? He snapped. ?This is the only case you work on? He ordered before storming from the room.

?Grissom? He heard her voice before turning around

?What?? He snapped angrily as she approached.

?You told me a few weeks ago that nothing is personal? She said softly, although he thought he heard a hint of accusation in her voice ?No victim should be special?

He stopped, closing his eyes. He just could not deal with her, with this, right now

She lowered her voice, seeing the change of expression on his face. ?Everyone follows your lead?

He suddenly felt very angry with her; angry with everyone around him. How could she stand there now, after this, and equate his feelings to everyone around them? ?Everyone didn't find that baby. I did? He snapped. ?And that little boy is dead because someone lost their temper or screwed up, or God knows what. So, excuse me, but this victim is special?

He saw the look in her eyes, the flash of emotion that proceeded what looked like tears. At that moment, he didn?t care and if Catherine had not walked up on them just then, he may have turned around to say something further he knew he would later regret

By the end of the shift, he sat in his office with his head in his hands. His head throbbed and he felt as though he were living through his own night mare again. No matter what he did or how hard he tried, he just could not shake the images from his mind.

A knock on the door made him look up as Catherine approached. ?Long day? She said without invite, sitting in the chair across from him

?Yeah? He sighed heavily, rubbing his eyes

?Soooo?.? She began ?You wanna talk about it??

No. He thought. ?No? He replied shortly, taking his glasses off to lay them on the desk in front of him ?It?s been a long day, Catherine and I?d rather??

?Cut the , Gil? She stopped him ?I know you well enough to know that this is not you. There?s something going on here?I?m worried about you.? At his look she pressed on ?I?ve never seen a case get to you before,? she said with a shrug ?That?s all?

?So I can?t be human?? He snapped raising a hand to stop himself ?Catherine?I?m tired. I just want to be left alone. Okay??

?Ohhh Kay?? She said as she pressed herself up from the chair. ?But you may want to reel in your horns a little bit. It isn?t any of our fault that you?re in a pissy mood?you shouldn?t take whatever your issues are out on your staff?

He glared at her as she walked out but chose to remain silent, until she turned around ?You can?t keep hiding behind shadow and innuendo your entire life, Gilbert Grissom?someday you?ll be found out?

?By who, I suppose?? He said coldly ?You?? With a nod of his head he continued ?I have no doubt that you?ll keep going until I tell you what you want?that is what you always do?

She sighed in frustration ?Exactly? She said, hands out to her sides ?And what do you tell me??

He watched her ?My personal business is none of your concern. That is what I?ve told you and it still isn?t any of your business.?

She came back to lean on the chair, looking at him. ?This is different, Grissom.? She said in a coying voice ?And you know that?there is something going on here because you are about to throw the mother of a temper tantrum and I think if Greg didn?t ran fast enough he may be the one you catch?

?Leave me alone, Catherine? He said weerily, covering his head again.

She didin?t. Coming to sit in front of him again. Reaching under his desk she pulled out a perfectly balanced bottle of scotch and without asking, poured two full glasses. Handing one across the desk to him, she sat it directly below his nose. She said nothing and watched as he lifted his head a bit to pick up the scotch to smell it. ?I am technically off the clock? He stated as he looked at her

?So am I? She said as she lifted her glass to him ?So drink up?we have a lot of talking to do?

An hour passed and they had moved to the couch in his room, she on one end with her legs folded beneath her and he on the opposite end. She had since switched to rum and coke she borrowed from Jim (everyone knew Jim kept the best stock of mixers) while Gil worked on his 4th Scotch.

?I don?t even like this stuff? He said as he took another sip

?Don?t drink it. Have some rum and coke?

?No? He shook his head with another sip. ?This stuff?.this stuff makes me feel alright?makes it all feel right?? He looked at her, slightly drunk, and nodded ?Yep, it all feels alright now?

?Soooo?.you gonna tell me what?s going on with you? Or do I have to get you stumbling drunk to get that??

He laughed, a semi drunk laugh ?Depends on what you want?

Catherine smiled; Gil was flirting. He always did that when he drank Scotch. ?Not me, Gil. You. I want to know what is going on with you and this baby?

His demeanor changed almost immediately and he hung his head low ?I just wanted to find out who killed him; is that too much to ask??

She shook her head. ?No, of course not? she filled his glass ?But you?ve been a real ass to be around you know, and the staff is getting worried?

?What would they have to worry about?? He asked angrily ?I have never yelled at any of them before except?.? He stopped, rubbing a hand across his face ??.Sara??

She watched him, shrugging. ?Sara?s always in some sort of trouble. If it isn?t you, it?s Ecklie. He?s pretty pissed at her for leaving early?

He furrowed his eyebrows in thought. ?Why did she leave early when she knows this case is a priority??

Catherine shrugged ?I dunno?she seemed pretty upset. Told Greg it was personal?that?s all I know?

He became quiet and Catherine could tell that this news affected him, though she didn?t know how. ?Hey,? She said before he became engulfed in self-thought. ?Come on Big Fella, What?s the scoop on the kid??

He looked at her and she could see a depression in his eyes she had only seen one time before; and it worried her. ?You would not understand?

?Try me? She said as she scooted closer to him, taking his hand in hers. It was cold and clammy; he was nervous. ?Gil, you have to talk to someone. Might as well be me. How many times have I dumped my personal issues right into your lap, huh? Too many times to count, right? I owe you a favor?

He was very quiet for a very long time and she was about to let go of his hand and call it a night when he started to speak and what he said froze her in space ?It?s was a few years ago?? He began ??I was younger?hell, she was just young we met at a Forensics Academy Conference?she was a student?I was the instructor??He looked up at her ?You ever see someone?just see them the first time and?.and?you feel like you have a bond with them??

She nodded ?Love at first sight? Lots of people do that?

?No?? He shook his head slowly, closing his eyes at a memory ?It was more than that. More than a bond. It was as if I knew; I knew Catherine that this woman was the one?I just?knew it? He shook his head. ?Sounds crazy?

?Sounds romantic? She replied, taking another drink from her rum and coke before standing to fill both their drinks again

He nodded ?Yeah?.It was?it was very romantic?

?So what happened?? She handed him his drink as she settled down next to him again.

?You will think I am an awful person Catherine?

She shook her head ?Never. Gilbert Grissom is incapable of awfulness?

You may think much differently of me after this he thought, but instead he said ?We had a relationship. A rather long one for the entirety of the time that I was over there. I knew it was wrong, knew it wouldn?t last. Knew she was far too young??He took a long swig off the scotch ?But I honestly?I really thought?I loved her?

Catherine?s eyes filled with a knowing sympathetic look ?Ohhhhh?she hurt you?

?No? He responded quickly ?I trusted her. It was I that hurt her in the end?

They were silent again as he studied his drink, knowing that what he was about to tell her no one else knew anything of; no one that was, but Sara. ?We had decided to slow down, both of us. We knew we were heading towards a high cliff and neither of us wanted to pull the other one over the ledge so we made the decision to let go just before we jumped. She went her way and I went mine.? Somber eyes looked at her ?The problem is that when she went her way?.she took part of me with her?

He saw the look on Catherine?s eyes and continued ?She found out she was pregnant two months after going back to San Francisco?so in a way, I guess?? he shrugged ??she kind of pulled me over the cliff even though I let go?

Catherine didn?t know what to think or what to say, she reached out for his hand ?Do you have contact with them??

His eyes closed as he squeezed the bridge of his nose; a headache was coming on. ?We stayed in touch. Learned to be long distance supporters. I went to visit on weekends when I could get away; I did a seminar in San Francisco so that I could be near her and the baby. Sad thing is, I didn?t want a baby?

He sighed heavily, taking another long drink. ?She didn?t either but neither of us wanted to alternative so?we were having a baby.?

Catherine was quiet, thinking about the events he?d told her. She knew he?d said he met Sara in the Forensics Academy Conference and that she was the friend ?he trusted? from San Francisco. Could he be referring to Sara? She shook her head; no of course not

?So?what happened? Where are they now??

By now he had poured his own drink; straight and came to sit back on the couch. ?I should have known what I was doing was wrong. I should have know that we were both mature enough to behave more responsibly?but we didn?t and?? He faltered ??my son paid the price?

He looked up at her and Catherine could see the despair in his eyes. ?Gil??

He stopped her ?I was here in Vegas?she was due to deliver in a little over a month and I was going to get her to move here with me?I thought I could protect her?she said no?So I worked and got promoted to Supervisor on the Grave Shift and that is why I missed the call?? He drained the glass in one drink ?She?d been out investigating a scene with a rookie cop who had no idea what he was doing. She?s 8 months pregnant and they send a rookie cop!? He was starting to get visibly upset and Catherine squeezed his hand. ?The perp jumped her from behind, she never saw him coming?.he got her to the ground and started kicking her, everywhere, and all she could do was curl into a ball and try to protect the baby?it?s all she could do, Catherine?

Her hand flew over her face ?Oh, My God Gil! I am so sorry!?

He nodded, wiping his eye with the back of his hand ?By the time I got to San Francisco, the surgery was over and they?d pronounced the baby dead on delivery. He had suffered traumatic injuries equivalent to severe child abuse trauma. Do you have any idea what it?s like to hold your son?who you don?t even know and won?t ever know?and he?s dead? You count their toes and fingers?you see how dark his hair is?.you wonder if he?d had blue eyes or brown?and if he?d be a great basketball player. But what you really think about as you hold him is how much you want him and how much you want to scream the life back into him. Just make him wake up?Just to hold him until he wakes up. And you can?t do that because the first thing your son ever felt, the first sensation in his little body wasn?t feeling his mother?s breast and her softening words, it was excruciating pain?and that is all he will ever know? His body was shaking and Catherine sat their drinks aside to pull him to her, hushing him as she ran a hand through his hair

?Shhhh?Gil. I?m sorry, I?m so sorry?you should have told me?why didn?t you talk to me?

He pulled back, grabbing a napkin and hating himself for breaking down ?We told no one? He replied. ?You are the only one?

?And the mom?? She asked ?Whatever happened to her??

At that moment, Sara walked by his office, looking in long enough to give them both a slight smile. When Catherine looked back to Gil and saw the way that he watched the young CSI go down the hallway, she knew the answer ?Sara? She said

He looked at her, tiredly ?I?m trusting you with this Catherine. If Sara knew, it would tear her apart. We?ve worked hard to move passed that point and I don?t want us going back to it?

?Is that why you brought her here?? She asked as he stood to collect their glasses ?To help her forget it??

?Noooo? He breathed ?I brought her here so I could protect her?so I could keep her..?

?And that?s going to make you two feel better??

?It makes me feel better?

She looked over her shoulder where Sara had just gone into the locker room. ?And what about Sara??

He was quiet ?I can?t speak for her?

He worked quietly, pulling out his jacket and extra shoes without saying a word to her. "I thought you left shift early"

Clearing her throat, she said "I just needed some space. I went for a drive out by the dam"

He nodded, still not looking at her. "Did it work?"

?Are you going to be alright?? She asked, ignoring his question as she sat on the bench

Nodding, he ran a hand through his hair. ?I?m fine, Sara? He replied curtly

He entered the room further, sitting next to her on the bench. Silence washed over them as she too stared down at the floor. After a few moments she looked over at him ?I think about him, too? She nearly whispered

He didn?t look at her as he clenched his jaw and she put her hand softly over his as it lay on the bench. ?It?s okay?It?s alright to think about him, Griss??

?You?re holding up?? He asked, still averting his eyes from hers.

?I have my moments? She said softly. ?That moment in the hall?.that didn?t help. It isn?t my fault, Gilbert, you know that?don?t you??

He was quiet momentarily before looking over at her. ?I?ll be fine? He told her with a nod ?I just really want to find who killed this little boy?

With that he squeezed her hand softly before standing and leaving the room.

One more chapter and its donw

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« Reply #1 on: October 20, 2009, 05:34 AM »

You're back!!!!!!

Wonderful start, looking forward to chapter 2.


« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2009, 07:26 AM »

Welcome back! I read this on F F too. It is really good, looking forward to reading the next chapter.
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« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2009, 10:10 AM »

heya, this is really good so far!
can't wait to read the next chapter...

"CSI, is a really great distraction from the sometimes harshness of reality!"- Jo
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« Reply #4 on: October 22, 2009, 04:28 PM »

Hey so good I hope you update again soon  Smiley Smiley
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« Reply #5 on: November 16, 2009, 11:23 PM »

This is so sad! Hurry with the next chapter!

"Long long afterward, in an oak I found the arrow, still unbroke..." (Longfellow & Sara Sidle, Ending Happy, 2007)
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« Reply #6 on: November 17, 2009, 08:43 AM »

This one called for a box of tissues, great start, update soon.
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« Reply #7 on: November 17, 2009, 10:02 AM »

I am working on the update; almost done. Just working 13-14 hours a day so pretty much drained by the time I get home. Thanks for the patience!

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